I give you...

So Mr. Titus is rolly polly man now. And LOVES... LOVES... LOVES... to sleep on his tummy now. The first night I proceeded to flip him over three separate times before giving up. Every time I flip him back on to his back, he immediately rolls over to his tummy.

There are two things that they repeat to you incessantly at the hospital when you get there, while you are there and before you leave...
1. Does anyone in your house smoke?
2. Do you know to put your baby to sleep on his back?
All of this to point out the signs of SIDS.
Eventually, I would just tell the nurse; as she walked up to me with the forms; "No one in our house smokes, and I will not put my baby to sleep on his tummy."

NOW - I am left with little choice. He has no fluffy blankets in his crib, no stuffed animals, we have an approved mattress and so on...

I could get those side supporter things that force your baby to sleep on his side, but I don't want to torture him. So I am left with leaving it up to God. Or giving him up to God. Over and over.

So thankful for my husband who takes my "I just want to look at him" multiple checks into his room before I go to bed with absolute grace.

(Just went to "look" at him. He's sleeping on his side,with one leg tossed over the other. >>Sigh<<>

All of this started sometime mid last week. So I have been sharing it with everyone I come in contact with... merely to just receive the comfort a first time mom gets with "Yes, mine did that too."

While sharing this with my pastor, he subtly reminded me of a time that he was reminded that no matter what no parent can be there every minute of every day, you have to remember that they are God's.

I've relinquish myself to God on a daily, hourly, by minute basis for years. Why is it so easy for my apparently selfish self to remember to give Titus over to him?

I never was able to imagine how Abraham felt as he went with Isaac up that mountain... OR was able to really imagine how God felt as he sacrificed his ONE and ONLY son.... It is incredibly hard for my measly earthly brain and heart to wrap some emotion around it.

It wasn't quite obvious to me after my conversation with Pastor J that God was reminding my heart of relinquishing my little man back to Him.

So I went to church. During worship - we sang the song "I give you me"

While I was sing God changed it from me to Titus...

I stand amazed at Your awesomeness
That You would love and guide me
That You have taken all my sorrows
And promised me a beautiful tomorrow
I give you Titus, all that I have
Not holding back but every part
All that he is and that I hope him to be
Lord I am blessed when I give You Titus
What can I say to tell You thank you
What can I do to show my heart
For what You've done and who You are
Oh Lord, I give You Titus

So maybe a little weeping. But I was beginning to understand His point. Understand the lesson he was teaching me.

The next afternoon I stumbled across a friend's blog and was in turn pointed to this one.

http://audreycaroline.blogspot.com/

Its a story to read when you might not be as empty emotionally as you need to be. When you might need to be reminded of the rain. I took over a few days, tried to avoid the rampid tears as they fell, and not subject my dear husband to it.

And I finished it this morning. Titus had woken up at 7am and Daddy wanted to keep sleeping - so Titus and I crawled in into our comfy chair, turned on the heating/vibrating pad and curled up with this amazing testimony. Towards the end - Titus fell asleep in my arms, just because... He wasn't sqwauky or anything - he just fell asleep. I already miss my teeny tiny little man that just cuddled all the time. It was refreshing and cleansing to weep with my baby in my arms. To know that if his life was on the line, I'm not sure I would understand, not sure I would be able to think everything would be ok - BUT I would know that Jesus would be the same through it all, yesterday, today and tomorrow. He wouldn't change.

I can't even kind of imagine loosing a child. I can barely think "my" child in that sentence.

(as if my little guy know where his Momma's heart is at tonight, I just went to "look" at him again, and he's sleeping on his back, for the first time in days.)

And I am done. I've renewed all the emotion in me. I encourage everyone to read story of Audrey Caroline and I have a new form of heros and if I ever start that photography hobby I'd like I want to, I don't want to do what they do but I think I would have to.

I can't sum it up any other way - or try to use words other than the friend who's blog directed me to this one. This is how she described her encounter with Audrey Caroline and I have to agree a 100%. "But oh, the reward--of experiencing a sister's encounter with Jesus that is real, raw, excruciatingly painful, and-- strangely, seemingly contradictorally-- full of life and hope."